I will admit it, I love the Weather Network. Each morning it assails me with its perky jazz music that sets the tone to my day, and as I get ready for work, I listen to the announcers tell me about the snowstorms in Newfoundland, the floods in Manitoba and the fires in Quebec, knowing that these disasters don’t touch me in lovely Lotus Land (Vancouver Island, British Columbia) where all I am challenged with weather-wise is an unusual amount of rain and a little wind now and then.
Best of all, are the cherished moments when Chris St. Clair gives his special report. St Clair has that certain ‘je ne sais quoi’ that intrigues the female viewer (or at least yours truly). I have imagined how fascinating a date with a man who so glibly spouts forth wisdom about the weather would be, especially as weather is one of the most potent topics of conversation for we Canadians. My imagined date with St. Clair would go something like this:
(We are in a fine dining seaside restaurant, with lots of windows and a spectacular view of the ocean.)
Server: “And can I interest you in wine with your dinner”.
“Certainly”, says suave St. Clair , “we’ll have a bottle of the Golden Beaver Merlot”
“You know, Kasha”, he says as he turns to me, “these wines of the Okanagan Valley owe their excellence due to the weather”.
“Is that so”, I reply (tell me more…)
“Yes, you know it’s the hot dry growing season that produces the right conditions for fruit growing, just as the temperate, wet conditions here on the island result in such lush gardens”.
“Weather”, he reveals conspiratorially, “is at the root of everything…”
I hold my breath.
“The food we eat, the air we breathe, the conditions we wake up to everyday.. what do we owe it all to?”
“The weather” I reply (yeah, one point for me). But there is more to come.
The server overhears us and quickly slips in his two cents worth.
“Did you two hear about that major tornado in Ontario yesterday. It lifted up a barn; can you imagine?”
“Absolutely”, states St Clair with authority, “Tornadoes are the most powerful storm on earth”.
“Do you know how these most potent storms form?” I shake my head. “Warm moist air currents will rise up (yes!) to the intersecting cold currents (I’m with you) from a thunderstorm. (Wow!!) and form a funnel cloud. (Heart be still!)
If this funnel cloud touches the surface of the earth…”
“OH STOP!” I exclaim.
“What”, asks St. Clair, “what’s wrong?”
“This is too much for a first date,” I manage to say, heart pounding, “I think we should change the topic”,
“But darling”, says my weatherman as he reaches across the table and covers my hand with his, “There is no other topic”.